‘But not you. I know, that you not. I want you to be good, but not for me or the other prisoners, but for yourself. Hatred only ruins everything. Love heals.’*

Ellie Midwood: The Girl in the Striped Dress

Sometimes we find another puzzle piece of our journey in the most unlikely places.

I have recently finished reading a really captivating book – The Girl in the Striped Dress by Ellie Midwood, and also watched a Korean drama called ‘Trigger’. Though they don’t really have anything in common, yet they somehow inspired me to write this post. Let’s see what this seemingly unlikely pairing creates. 🙂

Seemingly Unlikely Pair

The book was inspired by a true story of an SS guard, Franz, falling in love with a Jewish girl, Helena, in Auschwitz. Little by little, these emotions have transformed him so that Franz was able to see through the brainwashing he had been accustomed to for a long time. He saw through it but didn’t know how to get away from the filth. Franz acknowledged his actions and was willing to face the consequences.

On the other hand, Trigger is a Korean drama that tells a completely fictional story set in a fictional South Korea where everyone has access to guns. Usually, this kind of series wouldn’t be my first choice to watch but when I wanted to ‘give up’, Moon Beak, one of the main characters, appeared. 

In short, Moon Baek was an orphan who was ‘stolen’ by human traffickers from the baby box outside an orphanage. He was exploited by these human traffickers to the point that he had to be saved by the police from the brink of death. Later, as a teenager, he got his revenge in cold blood which impressed a gangster in the USA. So, he ‘adopted’ him. Not necessarily out of fatherly love, though. Moon Baek never experienced compassion, connection and was betrayed by those around him growing up. So, this gives a little bit of depth to his motivation for ‘revenge’. His character was a complex one, and Kim Young Kwang, who brought him to life, did a great job. And can’t help but wonder whether playing such a character affected him in any way? Who knows maybe one day I can ask him this question. 😀

Victim or Perpetrator?

On the other hand, Franz, from the book, had a seemingly average upbringing, a balanced family background. He got sucked up by the propaganda, as many in his time, and didn’t even think that things could be different. In the middle of hell on earth, he found someone who inspired him to change.

Both Franz and Moon Baek were victims and perpetrators at the same time. We often tend to look at these two terms separately. But they are more connected to each other than we can imagine. We don’t have to go too far to find this dynamic. Someone does something that we find hurtful (victim). And because we aren’t able to process the hurt for any reason, in frustration, we hurt someone else (perpetrator). Do you see what I mean?

We can use the excuse that it wasn’t our fault. But it was our action. This isn’t about blaming someone – scapegoating. It is about accountability. How could we expect to choose a different string of actions, when we aren’t even aware of what is going on us. When we aren’t conscious about the issue at hand, the first step is always acknowledging that there is an issue and come clean that it might be me, who is acting the same way. The set might have changed, but the main character remained. Not because I am ‘stupid’ but because I am not aware of my unconscious patterns and probably because I don’t know any better.

Breaking the Cycle

What to do? How to break the cycle? When we see that there was something bigger behind the scenes, that we aren’t able to control. That both, victim and perpetrator were part of a bigger picture. BUT I can NOW choose a different path. I bring in new energy. I don’t need to carry that burden any longer. We can heal on every possible level. Though healing is not possible without one’s active participation. If we stay in the ‘victim role’, we constantly wait for someone to solve our problems. This is like waiting for Godot – never arrives. And in this wait, we might push away those who really want to help us. We are mean to them – we become the perpetrator.

Franz, in the book, had Helena, who cared for him, though she also had her very own battles to go through BUT as she accepted Franz’s closeness), love, unknowingly to her, she also helped Franz’s transformation. The healing process started, but with Franz’s active participation. We can’t force anyone to change. And it is also true, that we can’t expect someone else to fix our problems. We can ask for help, we can be guided, but the work needs to be done by us.

Why? Because we are the only constant in our lives. We are the ones who can make a difference. The change we wish to see, isn’t coming from the outside. It starts within, and that is later reflected on the outside. I know, it is hard sometimes. But look inside you. Do your own diligence.

We all have trigger points. And it is our choice how we are going to act. The answers that we are so desperately looking for, are within us.

Final Thoughts

What patterns are we following (either consciously or unconsciously)? How to widen our horizon of observation?

Look at your own family history, look at the history of the nation you were born into. Look at the history of the continent you were born on. Do this without blaming them. Simply acknowledge and allow the answers to come to you. If you need help, go and ask for it. Acknowledge these and your connection to them. And now look at the circumstances you have influence over. You can choose to act differently.

I wonder what would have happened to Moon Baek if he had stopped for a moment to reflect and acknowledge his wounds (he had plenty) and had at least one person by his side, who would have really understood him on the mental, emotional and soul level. And would show him the meaning of belonging, the power in allowing yourself to choose your own path.  By hurting others you are causing yourself deeper wounds than those inflicted on you by others.   

Moon Baek didn’t have such a person in his life.

Franz had this person.

And you aren’t alone either.

We aren’t born neither as victims, nor as perpetrators. This isn’t our nature. The temptations will always be present. Whatever we choose, the consequences will follow us until we do learn our lesson and use our knowledge to serve and not to overpower.

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*I read the book in Hungarian, so the quote from the book, might be phrased different in English. I used the Hungarian version as the source material.

Written by Petra J.