When our loyalty interferes with our decision making

Resistance is loyalty to the old and prevents development. Every expectation is thus linked to something already known. Only what shakes me to the core leads me onward

Bert Hellinger

Not that long ago I watched a Japanese movie where the main character was able to read people’s minds. This was a blessing and curse for him at the same time. He inherited this super power from his grandmother. It was a Blessing, as he could sieve through those who wanted to connect with him for his position. Curse,  as he wasn’t able to build genuine relationships. Until the day he met his match and learned that real connections are built when we share what we think and feel in a non-destructive way.

You wonder why I am talking about this. Well, it made me wonder, what would it be like to have a super power? Maybe a super power to make the right decisions? And what……. if we already have this power. 

Our Super Power

Human race has a very unique ability. We are able to reflect on our actions, emotions and also anticipate future actions, so we can make better decisions. This is how we can learn from our past experiences and are able to grow.

Often we know what we should do, but for some strange reasons, we go down once again the well-known path that will lead to the same or similar results. 

You want to sign up for a course but you aren’t sure whether you should.  You want to leave your job but you’re not sure whether this is a good time for it. Things just aren’t moving forward. We procrastinate and nothing changes. But why do we do this?

Why do we do this?

We might be afraid of the result our actions will bring. It isn’t always the fear of failure, rejection, but also can be a fear of success and belonging. What do I mean by this? Our loyalty to something bigger is what keeps us going down the same path, to have the same or similar experience. Out of love towards our family system (whether this is conscious or unconscious). This loyalty influences our actions (and as for that of our inactions) on an unconscious level. 

Often we don’t even know, but our hidden loyalty to our family system doesn’t let us make a choice that would result in maybe becoming ‘better’ than our parents, have more than them, have more joy in life than them. We self-sabotage ourselves just because we believe that we can’t be better than our parents, to have more than them, or we don’t want to risk being excluded from a group.

If you notice some resistance about the decision you are about to make, you can be curious about what might be behind it. 

Who am I loyal to by this indecision? What am I loyal to by staying where I am? Does this serve me? Who does it serve the most? What is stopping me from making this decision?


Our Family includes everyone; those present and those long gone

Systemic family constellations is a great way to uncover these hidden loyalties we have and see what needs to be seen, so we consciously recognize and acknowledge why we were following a certain pattern. It is also important to get reconnected with ourselves and listen to ourselves.

By digging a little deeper than what’s visible on the surface we are able to uncover hidden dynamics and information that might be lingering there for generations. 

Whatever is there to see, remember that what seems to be an obstacle now, once was created to protect and support you. Be gentle with yourself in this process and allow time to do its job as well.

Written by Petra J.

Date: July 2021

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