Secrets and what’s behind them

Full Moon and the ocean

“Three things cannot long stay hidden: the sun, the moon and the truth.”


I let you in on a secret: When I write my posts I don’t really plan what I am going to write about and when. I have no schedule. I allow the space for anything that wants to come forward to come. 🙂  It is a kind of state when in family constellations the facilitator doesn’t know the next logical step. Therefore they need to stop pushing forward and just be comfortable in this state until the next step is revealed. It is like a constant dance between knowing and not knowing. This can be excruciating for those who like to be in control of every aspect of their life. Exciting for those who have learnt (or are learning) to ride the waves and trust their inner compass.

This time I felt guided to write a short post about Secrets. Why secrets? Because we all have them. We all have something that we would like to hide, to forget about, to erase from our memory and also something we would like to share. One way or another we feel burdened by our secrets.

We have those secrets that we want to hide from others and then there are those we are hiding from ourselves. When we decide to hide a secret, we might think it is for protecting another person, as we don’t want them to get hurt, to feel uncomfortable, to feel guilty and so on. 

However, is this really true? Do we really keep secret(s) so we can protect somebody else? 

In a sense, the function of secrets is protection. They were created with the intention to protect somebody. But this somebody is not the other person. This somebody is US. We don’t want to reveal something as we don’t know how this will change the way we are being perceived by others. Humans are wired for connection as Dr Gábor Máté mentions in many of his talks. We do everything to feel connected and we are afraid that by letting someone in on our secret will end this connection.

Different types of secrets

The more I immerse myself in the world of Family constellations the more I am aware of the impact of hidden things on our life. According to John L. Payne there are:

  1. Secret feelings – feelings we are afraid of showing, and rather we keep them hidden (for example you don’t have the courage to tell somebody how you feel about them, you don’t have the courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable, to connect)
  2. Secret events – events that might influence how people see us now (for example you went to a concert of an artist of whom your friends don’t have a high regard of but you still like their music)
  3. Family secrets – in family constellations these are the heaviest and they can impact the individuals life the most. (for example – an adoption in a family.)

What you want to keep away from the outside world, will also start keeping you away from your Inner world.

Melissani Cave in Greece, source:

We all have experiences with secrets. We all know they can be a burden. And also we know that sharing them can liberate us. However, I am not saying to do what the Hungarian poet Frigyes Karinthy wrote in one of his poems: ‘I can’t tell it to anyone, therefore I tell it to everyone.’

Do what helps you to ease the burden. If you feel like sharing it with someone trustworthy – do it. If you feel like writing it out of you in any form (diary, poem, song) – do it. We know what works the best for us.  People might give you suggestions, and can show you different paths, but it is only YOU who is going to make the decision. 

To sum it up:

When you do it the way that supports you, you will feel lighter. Trust the process and don’t judge yourself. Be a compassionate observer. We aren’t better or worse than others. We just made different choices and those choices shaped us differently. 

Secrets, family secrets, family constellations in London UK

Our uniqueness and beauty lies in our unique experiences. Embrace them.

Written by Petra J.

Date: July 2020

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